I’m meant to hear back from UEA about my masters by Friday - next Monday at the latest.

It’s either going to be a ‘no’ or a ‘maybe’.

I am the antsiest motherfucker around, no question.

on one hand, I want them to respond to me NOW NOW NOW

on the other, if they respond to me too early, it’s probably a rejection

or maybe they would love me

or maybe they would tell me that I am a poopdick

ALL OF THE CONFLICTING EMOTIONS

I feel like I should be hopeful but not too hopeful but I should also prepare myself for crippling failure and a crushing death blow to my self-esteem

So now I’m just going to stare at my inbox for another 5 to 6 days.

today has not been a very good day

I contacted UEA after they emailed me and it turns out that they’ve been missing one of my references

since April

so my application has made absolutely no progress whatsoever since April and they couldn’t be bothered to tell me until the 1st of June.

They haven’t even reached the stage where they can reject me yet.

So I emailed my tutor to ask her to re-send her reference, and she told me that she added a note to her reference, explaining my extenuating circumstances for this semester (i.e.: the ungodly amount of work I’ve done, why I got a shit mark)

except they don’t have my full transcripts yet

so they might think that I completely failed this entire semester

because they don’t have those marks to look at so they can’t understand the context.

and I’m so worried and I feel so sick and I’m so angry and upset and terrified

and now I’ll be back in limbo again, waiting indefinitely for an inevitable rejection because they probably have too many applicants and I’m probably not good enough and I feel sick and worried and horrified because I don’t want to go anywhere else and… fuck.

I don’t even know.

Today has been shit.

OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD.

Thank you for applying to study the MA in Creative Writing Scriptwriting at the University of East Anglia, beginning in September 2012.

This is just a reminder that we are still awaiting some of the additional documentation that we need in order to make a decision on your application. This may be references, a personal statement, degree transcript, degree certificate or a sample of work.

Can you please return this information to us by:
13th June, 2012. If you are not able to send the documentation to us by this date please do get in touch with us and let us know. Please note that if we have not heard from you by this date, we will deem that you no longer wish to be considered for the above course and we will withdraw your application.
[…]

If you have any questions concerning the application process or the information we have requested, please do not hesitate to contact us.

We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best wishes
Administrative Assistant
UK/EU Admissions

WHAT ADDITIONAL DOCUMENTATION

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, UEA

I CAN’T EVEN CALL UNTIL WEDNESDAY

STUPID FUCKING BANK HOLIDAYS

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD

PLEASE BE A GOOD SIGN

PLEASE BE A GOOD SIGN

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON’T HATE ME FOR MY ONE ‘C’ GRADE IN MY FINAL SEMESTER

WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN DOES THAT MEAN YOU’RE INTERESTED UEA BECAUSE

THERE’S NO NEED TO BE COY

YOU CAN JUST TELL ME

I WOULD FIND THAT MUCH EASIER

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH GOD

(and now that I’ve posted this, I’ve probably given myself bad luck and will get jerked around for two more months before being rejected. Oh god.)

oh my GOD, Napier, why do you fucking hate me

As part of the application process you will need to submit the following with your application:

• A personal statement outlining why you want to write for the screen (maximum 300 words)
• An outline for a feature film or single television drama (maximum one page)
• A writing sample - this may be a short film script or an excerpt from a feature film script or television drama (maximum 10 pages)

Just HAD to make it difficult, didn’t you?

Awesome. 200 less words on my completed personal statement. Brilliant, I can’t submit a full script of my short film, so I have to send in my dissertation.

And:

I CAN’T OUTLINE MY TIME TRAVEL SCRIPT IN ONE PAGE - IT’S A FEATURE FUCKING FILM FOR A REASON

WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK WHY WHY WHY

It’s a beautiful, sunny day and I’m at uni, personally retyping 10 pages to adhere to these stupid rules, I feel like shit, immigration is basically doing its best to personally fuck me over and there aren’t any ovens for me to stick my head in unless I leave the library.

god, I hate life right now. This is unspeakably depressing.

nothing like sudden, uncontrollable panic

fuck

fuck fuck

fuck fuck fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck

why did I just read through the UEA tag

I found a post from somebody who had just been rejected from there

I know I’m applying for screenwriting and not creative writing, but shit, that is fucking horrifying, oh god.

sdkfgjdfkgjfkldgj jesus christ

wow, my tension level has gone up by fifty thousand points in the last three minutes, not even kidding

god, I feel fucking dire and anxious and antsy and unfocused and dazed

I feel triggered and blank and miserable and I would like everything to stop moving, please.

Pretty please.

I have no idea what the fuck I am doing with myself.

Sorry.

to me, Hell would be living in Morrisons until the end of time.

{Spoiler Alert: sometimes I blog about things going on in my life. My eating disorder is one of these things. I realise that this isn’t what most of you follow me for, but I really wanted to write about this anyway.

Might be considered triggering, but it’s mostly about shopping for groceries.}

I hate going to stock up on food. I hate buying food, I hate the aisles, I hate having to weave around those damn people that always just seem to be standing around and gossiping in front of the milk, I hate everything about it.

Grocery shopping has been immensely stressful for me for the past year and I know that my entire personality flips as soon as I walk through those sliding doors. My usual mentality is ‘get in, grab whatever you see, try not to abandon the basket, get out’. A lot of my time is spent fretting over labels, retracing my steps to put food back where I found it, completely avoiding certain sections and generally panicking over everything under the sun- or in this case, the florescent lights in Morrisons.

It’s hard to articulate the headspace that I get into, but if I had to try, I’d describe it like this:

As soon as I walk inside, I get a strange, swimming feeling in the back of my mind. It’s like the sensation that you get when you stay underwater for too long, where your thoughts start to blur and slide together until you can barely even begin to pick them apart. You instinctively need air, so your immediate reaction is to get the hell out of Dodge- go outside, smoke a cigarette (or fifty), hyperventilate by the cash point for a minute, stand in the rain, whatever- but you’re just as keenly aware that you need food to live, and you don’t want to go through this stupid dance for the second or third or fourth or fifth time later this week…

Read More

so, um. 48 hour play. Starting tonight, I’ll be writing for roughly 14 hours.

UMMMM.

I’m only doing the writing leg of the journey and the plots / synopses won’t be given out until I get there later this evening, so I have to riff off of those concepts.

I’ve never actually written a play before, though.

We’re working on 6 to 8 fifteen minute plays from 7:30 pm tonight to 9 am tomorrow.

I am doing it and 1 other person I know is doing it. I hope to god that some other people are also edging in, since I have little to no experience and will need some writerly advice. It’s with the rival drama society from mine at my university, so I don’t know many of the other writer types. I HOPE THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE THERE, AAAA.

I’ve done screenplays and I’ve written about 130 pages, roughly, in the space of about 7 months or so (from last November to April), but I’m just trying to sort out how different it is and figure out what the fuck to do.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, this is going to kill me

but I am so fucking excited.

After 9 am, I get to hand it off to the directors and the actors and they perform it on Sunday / Monday. It’s out of my hands and no longer my baby.

Dunno how I’ll handle the separation anxiety, guys!

Any advice? Thoughts? Random mashings of your nose on the keyboard? Suggestions for ways to keep myself awake? Anything?

I know I should go eat breakfast - I’m going to be on my feet for at least the next 12 hours

but I don’t feel like I can make myself.

I’ve got to take care of 7 freshers and run 3 tables for our LGBT and then go out with all of them at the end of the day

but I can’t even get dressed. I’m just sitting here in my towel. :/

fuck this, fuck everything. I have to have something because I’m taking care of these people, but I feel frozen. I’m so exhausted.